decision, decisions...

It was soo much easier when i was younger..

sometimes i wish i never had to grow up.. growing up is scary and im just not ready for adult things. im almost 18, when i officially become an adult, so why do i still feel like im 10 years old.. it was soo much easier then, worrying about whos best friend i was, not wanting to do my hair the way mums wanted me to.. just trivial stuff like that. Now its soo much more complicated, now im choosing where to go for uni, who to date and when to 'become a woman'.

I always thought i could handle pressure, always thought i would be strong enough to wait till i was married to have sex, but like i found out today i dont think i am. Ihaven't done anything, but the problem is YET.. im all talk now, but what happens in a moment of weakness? what happenes when im not strong enough to say no.. what happens then.. DO i let God down, let myself down, let my principles down..

For most people sex is not a big deal, its something you do, five minutes and ur out, but growing up in a religious environment, it is a big deal for me. For the longest time my parents have thought for me that now that i have to make my own decisions, i don't know what to do.

I never thought i would be confronted with the issue of sex so early on.. Its like if you havent lost ur virginity by 10 then ur a loser. I know it doesnt matter what others think about you, but what about the people you like.. When they want it, and you cant.. how you feel when they mask their dissapointment. A lot of people would say that if a guy only wants sex and is pressuring you then leave him.. but its not that easy. Its easy to say when you arent in the position, but when you are, everything changes..

Iv been talking to this guy recently. Iv known him for a while but i was just actually getting to know him. He randomly texted me the other day asking if i gave head.. I was litrally frozen for a while. we sha texted talking back and forth about how i thought it was nasty and him trying to convince me why it wasn't. The conversation lasted two days and when i finally convinced him that i would never give or get head, and that i was still a virgin, the conversation ended.

Now i must be stupid to be upset about this, but the thing is that i really liked him, before he started his sex talk. i liked him so much that i considered (for a second) compromising my principles to make him happy...

i know i did the right thing by not agreeing to it, but why do i feel to empty and unhappy...