Why must she always do this??

I blame my parents for what is happening to me today. God forgive me, but its true.. mostly my mum though. I just read Laide's post about her mum complaining about everything she does. I feel the same way just that my case is 10 times worse.

Every child has some kind of relationship with their parents. even if its not the greatest they still have something. I feel like I dont, like i only owe it to them to get into university then get out of their lives. I must say they have tried a lot. My dad works soo hard, sometimes too hard even, and my mum well i know she's just trying to be a good mother but she is going around it the wrong way. I don't know if it was what she did before she became a christian that is scaring her, but the way she treats me is tooo much.

Il start with when I was living in England, just before we moved to naija. I was finding out about my new school in naija by asking people on hi5 that i knew went there. there was this particular boy that lived in the camp and also went to the school. his brother had been labeled notorious and my mum immediately thought he was the same. I went with her to pick my bros up from school one day and i was like

Mummy, ******* said that our uniforms will be blah blah
Mum: what!! why were you talking to him? so your'e talking to boys now eh
Me thinking wtf: i was just asking him what the uniforms were like...

As soon as we got home, she told my dad that i had been spending my time talking to BOYS, (notice how one boy became boys), on the internet. I sha got in trouble because at the time my grades werent that great. Since that day i vowed that i would never trust her with anything again.

We moved to Naija and I went to an oyibonised school. The kids there pretty much did whatever they wanted. They were all rich so they could afford to go out and do whatever. This boy from America came to my class. He was outspoken and didnt stand for shit. The naija teachers saw it as a threat and tried to expel him. One of the busybody teachers called my mum because i was crying when they suspended him. my mum called my brother

Mum: is *bob* princess J's boyfriend/
Bro: what?? no they are just friends
Mum: only God knows why she was crying because they suspended him.. Asonilenu

Since then, she started hating on the poor boy. For my birthday he arranged a party for me at one of our favourite restaurants in PH. My mum did eveything in her power to make sure that i dint go.. On my birthday.. I was soo angry, i actually felt like she hated me.

She walked in on me chatting on msn with one of my guy friends i hadnt seen since primary school. She didnt even read the conversation o, she just slapped me when she saw his name. She called my dad to come and see what i was doing.. He called me and asked what our conversation was about and when i told him he just said-you know its just one kiss that leads to aids.. i was like wtf whatever. She was pissed when he didnt do anything. That very night, my dad saw a movie on African magic where a mother inadvertanly made her daughter a lesbian because she was doing the same thing my mum was doing. My dad sha warned her to take it easy before something like that happened to me.

After a school play, *Bob* arranged for a group of us to go swimming. Once again, my mum ruined everything that even my friends were calling her a bitch. I didnt talk to her for days and i thought i would never forgive her.. One thing she doesnt realise is that the more she does things like this, the more shes pushing me out into the world, because when all i get is yelling at home, i got out looking for validation from people.. mostly guys and its very unhealthy.

A guy called my house to talk to me, she didnt even ask me any questions, she just slapped me. I ended up dating that boy. Another guy that wasnt even looking my way, she was accusing him, i ended up dating him too.. I even dated an older guy and had many "more than friendships" with many guys in the short period we were in PH for. All this was because she was pushing me.. She was just randomly hating on ***** and i ended up with him and was soo traumatised from our relationship. At some point, i even considered hooking up with one of my teachers. As in the guy liked me and i liked him too(he was young btw). It was just God that helped me not to do anything with him. Im not the kind of person that cuts myself or drinks to take away my anger.. SOunds funny but i just end up in my head fantasizing about things. Things i know i shouldnt, I have done many things because of this anger, stuff that i regret now.

Like i said before, im always looking for validation from guys because thats something i don't get at home.. My dad is always like- do work, study, work study, have you read today?? my mum is come and clean this kitchen, you are soo useless, its only your kind that will marry you, lazy brat.. I have never heard my parents once say to me and my siblings I LOVE YOU, iv never even heard them say it to eachother.. Its like there is a no showing of affection rule. Its soo bad that i feel soo uncomfortable being along in the car or anywhere with my mum. Because if shes not shouting at me, its something else. My dad went to meet my sister at the airport and she didnt even know if she should hug him!! That is messed up. Kids should be able to talk to their parents freely, hug.hold them be comfortable....

I used to think it was because we were nigerians.. Nigerian families dont show afection.. I was soo wrong and I found this out when our family friends who were nigerians moved in next door.. The way the kids just talked/gisted with their parents. I was shocked at first but after a while i realised it was normal and it was my family that was/isnt. I still find it soo hard to talk to my dad on the phone when he calls, theres always some kind of akward silence, before he asks something about schoolwork and thats when conversations starts up again.

If there is one thing I pray for, its that I will live long enough to be able to have kids of my own, so I can show them the love that my parents never showed me. People always say i don't want to turn out like my parents and do what they did to me.. I really mean it.

I don't like hiding stuff from them, I wish i could talk openly with my mum about stuff, maybe i wont have an axiety disorder or atleast as bad as i do now, maybe i wont feel soo guilty when i go on dates with people, maybe i wont keep making wrong disions and ending up with wrong guys because i just want to feel loved.

MAybe I actually would feel loved. As for now, im just waiting to get into university and move the heck away.. maybe come back home once every 4 years or something like that..

Anyway this has been one long ass post, but im happy i got that off my chest. My next post will probably be about SEx before marriage becasue i swear iv been thinking about it sooo much that im starting to get grey hairs :P

Princess J